I was perusing an old file buried deep in my office desk this week when I found a New York Times article with the humorous title, "What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage." It was quite amusing to read about Amy Sutherland's experience - and success - with applying animal training techniques on her husband.
Animals and humans learn in the same way. We repeat behaviors that are rewarded and avoid behaviors with negative consequences. Amy used this to her advantage by following the basic rule of animal training:
"The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don’t. After all, you don’t get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband." -- Amy Sutherland
I have often seen this lesson in action in my various jobs with captive wildlife. On my first day of a zoo internship in the primate department, the keeper warned me that Amanda the orangutan likes to spit a mouthful of water at the keepers. He told me that for his first year on the job, she spit at him every morning. “And she has incredible aim. It landed in my ear every time!” Understandably, the spurt of water in his ear caused the keeper to jump and shout. The other keepers laughed about it and explained that’s why Amanda does it – she likes seeing his reaction.
A few weeks later, I felt something wet hit my knee. I glanced around and realized it came from Amanda’s direction. I looked away and continued with my task. She never tried spitting at me again. My reaction was just no fun! Ignoring an undesirable behavior made it go away.
Amy Sutherland realized that this technique works on people, too. In her article, she gives the example of the annoying chaos her husband stirs every time he misplaces his keys. She normally joined his panicked search, but now she realized that her attention actually fueled his hysteria as he tore through the house. Next time she decided to simply ignore his frenzy. Now his temper fell short of its usual level and he soon located his keys without causing such a scene.
This technique of ignoring behaviors you don't want to see can be used in a variety of other contexts, including the workplace. I once had a coworker that had the habit of yelling questions to me from another room. I could never quite hear her (and wasn't a fan of yelling myself), so I would drop what I was doing, rush to the doorway, and ask her to repeat the question. The interruptions were getting annoying.
Next time, I decided to ignore her long-distance attempt at conversation. When she called to me, I didn't respond and continued working on my project. She soon came to the doorway with her question and I happily turned around to discuss the matter at hand. Soon the hallway hollering became a thing of the past.
Are there any behaviors of people around you that you might decrease, just by ignoring them? Maybe you ignore when a child makes a silly face at an inappropriate time. Maybe you don't respond when your friend plays a trick on you just to get under your skin. Maybe you simply walk away from distasteful gossip at work. People demonstrating these behaviors are often doing it for a reaction. But without a response, many of these behaviors can diminish on their own while you avoid counterproductive nagging, scolding, or complaining.
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